A Bad Case of the Shoulda-Coulda-Wouldas

For the last few weeks, I’ve been having a crisis of faith.  Can I actually make this happen?  Can I really live the life of my dreams – as a freelance writer, a book author, an entrepreneur?  I woke up every morning full of anxiety and it didn’t go away until I went to bed.  I felt like there was so many things I should be doing, but I wasn’t sure what they were – like there was some formula for success that no one clued me in on.   Instead of taking action on the things I knew I could being doing, I was paralyzed with worry about all the other things on my imaginary Should Do list.  I was being harsh on myself and pretty crabby to those closest to me.  Bless Diene’s heart for being able to tell me so with compassion.

And yet, somewhere along the lines, things shifted.  I am not exactly sure what (I know running again has helped me tremendously in my ability to relax), but for whatever it is that changed, I am extremely grateful.

Yesterday I woke up, finished a grant project for a client (in my pajamas), had time to make vegan sushi for lunch, deposited a check from a client, and went to a coffee  shop (with AC) where I wrote exactly what I wanted for two hours.  It occured to me at several points in the day – there is no longer a question about whether or not I can make this happen.  It is happening.  My life is exactly how I imagined it would be and the only question I have to ask myself is how much I am willing to enjoy it.      For that, I am extremely grateful.

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